A few weeks ago, a girl moved to our school from another city. She wasn't like most of the other jerks and conformists at our school. She was different. Immediately, I took a liking to her. It wasn't a "love at first sight" thing, and I don't believe in that sort of thing anyways. She just seemed like a really cool girl. We talked, and started to become friends. Things were really awesome. I introduced her to my other friends (most of whom post on this site) and everyone really liked her. She was nice to us, we all liked the same kinds of things,it was great.
As the days went on, I started to feel like I wanted to be more than just friends. I didn't know if she felt the same way though, so I didn't say anything for a while. All of this week, I've been working up my courage to just go ahead and tell her how I feel deep down inside. I mean, I write my feelings onto the internet for anyone who is interested to read, so how could it be that hard? It was hard though. Especially since every time I try to do this I just get shot down and all it does is put me into a spell of pain that feels like it will never end.
So last night, i told myself that I wouldn't come home today until I had told her how I felt. All day at school I tried to think of what I was going to say. I couldn't concentrate on anything. Even now, I don't even remember what happened in any of my classes, or even how I got from one class to another. I certainly don't remember walking there. Anyways, once the day was over, I walked over to the front of the school, where her, Fat Flamingo, justdiff, and I usually meet up after school to try and find her. When I got there, FF and justdiff were waiting. I told them that I had to grab something from my house before we went out for the night and that I had to hand in an assignment before I went home to get it, and that the new girl wasn't going to be around tonight (this was a lie to get them to leave so I could be with her alone [sorry guys!].
They said that they would wait at justdiff's house for me and walked off. I sat there and waited for a few more minutes. I watched people walk out the front doors, keeping my eyes peeled for the new girl. My heart was pounding, and I felt a bit sick to my stomach. Then, I spotted her. At first, everything seemed fine, but then when she was fully out of the crowd leaving the doors, someone grabbed her hand and interlaced their fingers with hers. In confusion, I looked up, and saw that the arm belonged Josh Parker (not his real name). I just stood there for a minute, in shock. I completely froze. I just watched them as they walked by. She didn't even glance over at me. Once they passed me by, I regained control of my thoughts. I thought to myself "ok, what's going on here? this can't be how it looks. It's probably a dare or something, or a joke. yeah, that's it..." and just as I was trying to figure out what the hell was going on, they stopped by a car in the parking lot, and he pulled her over and kissed her. My mind exploded. It was like a had been stabbed with a thousand knives all at once. I can't remember ever feeling more angry, sad, broken, and played in my entire life. It seemed to last forever. Then, he pulled away, took out some car keys, unlocked the car, and they got in and drove away.
I just stood there in shock again for what seemed like hours. When I finally was able to move again, I guess I started walking home, because the next thing I realized, I was sitting on a chair in my basement. I was so taken up with my thoughts, that I was like a zombie, with no freewill or realization of where I was going.
Once I realized where I was, I totally broke down. I cried and cried and cried. I'm not embarrassed to say that that's what I did, either. Only lame macho tough guys suppress their feelings. It felt like the entire world was laughing at me. I just wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear. I sat there for a long time, feeling worse than I have ever felt in my whole life. I can't imagine any worse feeling that anyone has ever felt ever about anything. It was TERRIBLE.
After a while, I decided that I would write it all down, and maybe that would make me feel better. Writing on this blog has been really therapeutic so far, so I figured that maybe it would be the same for this. Now, after writing everything down, I still feel awful, but it feels good to have written it down. I don't know if I'll ever feel totally better, but I"m glad I wrote this all down.
To my friends: sorry I didn't ever show up, but I just want to be alone right now. I want to be alone for a long time.
Love is a terrible thing. I'll never make this mistake again.
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