Clarity

hello old friends. when i left you, i was stuck in a sticky spot, not knowing whether i was gay or straight. I wondered if i should try to pursue my feelings or try and suppress them, but now i feel as if i've made the right decision (well at least the only one i could). So not knowing what I should do I went to the people closest to me for consultation. My friends (fatflamingo and trubblmakr among others..) told me that I should at least try to pursue my curious desires (which focused upon that boy who shall remain anonymous on my football team), but when i hinted I was having these feelings to my mom, she suddenly turned pale, stiffened up and said: "Jeffery, you better pray to the almighty that you did not say what I think you just said. If you ever even think those thoughts again, so help me I will not only send you to a fucking boarding school, you will never see your friends again." it was the coldest and most hurtful conversation I had ever had. My mom, the woman who raised me and whom i've had unmeasurable affection towards had now caused my heart to turn to ice. it felt like hell. it felt worse than hell.

All I know is that i never want to feel that way again. How can I live my life without my mom and dad? without my best friends? my entire family gone, just for some lil fantasy that I might have? it's just not worth it. In short, i've decided that I won't be poking around with those ideas for awhile. I guess i need to find a girl to ease my mother's fears. For once, i'll actually make an effort towards a real relationship instead of those minor hook-ups. So, the hunt beings. I will start scopin around tomorrow, maybe that Sarah chick in my Chemistry class.

well, even though i've just gone through probably the hardest time of my life, i'm left optimistic and im hopeful I can make my parents feel proud....no matter how badly I feel inside..........