FREEDOM

IMMMMMMAAAAAAA FAGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that's right. no more hiding. i came out.






stay tuned...

Well we've all been pretty busy with exams happening and going on and all that lately, which is why there haven't been any posts for a little while. To our faithful readers, sorry about that.

Since we're talking about exams right now, i'll take the opportunity to mention how much they freaking suck!!! i mean come on, could anyone ever think of a worse way to test for intelligence? They just make you sit there for hours and hours and memorize facts so that you can perform like a dog at a dog show for them on exam day. It doesn't actually mean that you know ANYTHING!!! All you have done is bought into their system of reading over things 100 times until it gets drilled into your brains. Like advertisements and social norms. You keep hearing that you need to have this certain type of clothes, or look this certain way, and you will be happy. As an outsider looking in, you would think "wow, that is fucking stupid", but after being told 800 times every day, it gets engrained into your consciousness, and you start to believe it.

Getting back to exams though, couldn't they come up with something that REALLY shows how intelligent people are, instead of just turning them into mindless drones who are well-suited to join the corporate machine????

I hate society and its goddamn drones.

Clarity

hello old friends. when i left you, i was stuck in a sticky spot, not knowing whether i was gay or straight. I wondered if i should try to pursue my feelings or try and suppress them, but now i feel as if i've made the right decision (well at least the only one i could). So not knowing what I should do I went to the people closest to me for consultation. My friends (fatflamingo and trubblmakr among others..) told me that I should at least try to pursue my curious desires (which focused upon that boy who shall remain anonymous on my football team), but when i hinted I was having these feelings to my mom, she suddenly turned pale, stiffened up and said: "Jeffery, you better pray to the almighty that you did not say what I think you just said. If you ever even think those thoughts again, so help me I will not only send you to a fucking boarding school, you will never see your friends again." it was the coldest and most hurtful conversation I had ever had. My mom, the woman who raised me and whom i've had unmeasurable affection towards had now caused my heart to turn to ice. it felt like hell. it felt worse than hell.

All I know is that i never want to feel that way again. How can I live my life without my mom and dad? without my best friends? my entire family gone, just for some lil fantasy that I might have? it's just not worth it. In short, i've decided that I won't be poking around with those ideas for awhile. I guess i need to find a girl to ease my mother's fears. For once, i'll actually make an effort towards a real relationship instead of those minor hook-ups. So, the hunt beings. I will start scopin around tomorrow, maybe that Sarah chick in my Chemistry class.

well, even though i've just gone through probably the hardest time of my life, i'm left optimistic and im hopeful I can make my parents feel proud....no matter how badly I feel inside..........

So it's happened again...

surprise surprise, it's happened again. Remember how I talked before about girls and how lame they all are? Well, something that happened to me yesterday just made me even more sure of that. I wasn't sure if I wanted to write about this, since it was hard enough to go through, and I figured writing it all out again would only hurt me more. But here we go anyways...

A few weeks ago, a girl moved to our school from another city. She wasn't like most of the other jerks and conformists at our school. She was different. Immediately, I took a liking to her. It wasn't a "love at first sight" thing, and I don't believe in that sort of thing anyways. She just seemed like a really cool girl. We talked, and started to become friends. Things were really awesome. I introduced her to my other friends (most of whom post on this site) and everyone really liked her. She was nice to us, we all liked the same kinds of things,it was great.

As the days went on, I started to feel like I wanted to be more than just friends. I didn't know if she felt the same way though, so I didn't say anything for a while. All of this week, I've been working up my courage to just go ahead and tell her how I feel deep down inside. I mean, I write my feelings onto the internet for anyone who is interested to read, so how could it be that hard? It was hard though. Especially since every time I try to do this I just get shot down and all it does is put me into a spell of pain that feels like it will never end.

So last night, i told myself that I wouldn't come home today until I had told her how I felt. All day at school I tried to think of what I was going to  say. I couldn't concentrate on anything. Even now, I don't even remember what happened in any of my classes, or even how I got from one class to another. I certainly don't remember walking there. Anyways, once the day was over, I walked over to the front of the school, where her, Fat Flamingo, justdiff, and I usually meet up after school to try and find her. When I got there, FF and justdiff were waiting. I told them that I had to grab something from my house before we went out for the night and that I had to hand in an assignment before I went home to get it, and that the new girl wasn't going to be around tonight (this was a lie to get them to leave so I could be with her alone [sorry guys!].

They said that they would wait at justdiff's house for me and walked off. I sat there and waited for a few more minutes. I watched people walk out the front doors, keeping my eyes peeled for the new girl. My heart was pounding, and I felt a bit sick to my stomach. Then, I spotted her. At first, everything seemed fine, but then when she was fully out of the crowd leaving the doors, someone grabbed her hand and interlaced their fingers with hers. In confusion, I looked up, and saw that the arm belonged Josh Parker (not his real name). I just stood there for a minute, in shock. I completely froze. I just watched them as they walked by. She didn't even glance over at me. Once they passed me by, I regained control of my thoughts. I thought to myself "ok, what's going on here? this can't be how it looks. It's probably a dare or something, or a joke. yeah, that's it..." and just as I was trying to figure out what the hell was going on, they stopped by a car in the parking lot, and he pulled her over and kissed her. My mind exploded. It was like a had been stabbed with a thousand knives all at once. I can't remember ever feeling more angry,  sad, broken, and played in my entire life. It seemed to last forever. Then, he pulled away, took out some car keys, unlocked the car, and they got in and drove away.

I just stood there in shock again for what seemed like hours. When I finally was able to move again, I guess I started walking home, because the next thing I realized, I was sitting on a chair in my basement. I was so taken up with my thoughts, that I was like a zombie, with no freewill or realization of where I was going.

Once I realized where I was, I totally broke down. I cried and cried and cried. I'm not embarrassed to say that that's what I did, either. Only lame macho tough guys suppress their feelings. It felt like the entire world was laughing at me. I just wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear. I sat there for a long time, feeling worse than I have ever felt in my whole life. I can't imagine any worse feeling that anyone has ever felt ever about anything. It was TERRIBLE.

After a while, I decided that I would write it all down, and maybe that would make me feel better. Writing on this blog has been really therapeutic so far, so I figured that maybe it would be the same for this. Now, after writing everything down, I still feel awful, but it feels good to have written it down. I don't know if I'll ever feel totally better, but I"m glad I wrote this all down.

To my friends: sorry I didn't ever show up, but I just want to be alone right now. I want to be alone for a long time.

Love is a terrible thing. I'll never make this mistake again.

I haz sympathy?

I just dont know, Im so confused right now about just about everything. Why cant I have loving caring friends and parents? Why is everyone out to get me? Wheres the compassion in this world? All I ask for is sympathy from my friends. Like seriously, I dumped my girlfriend for another girl and no one is giving me any sympathy!!! Im going to start smoking and drinking lots, and telling them about how I hurt myself, then they have to give me sympathy! Why cant people just see how hard life is for me? Im a single child with both my parents alive. 2 cats and my own used car. Like seriously I dropped out of school I should get some sympathy for that at least. When will people understand that I have a sympathy disease. Without sympathy I cant be happy. And it seems like no matter how much I starve myself, cut myself, smoke and drink no one feels bad for me. I just went through a rough break of leaving someone I really cared about for almost 2 years. You know how hard that is on someone? To just get up and leave someone you love for another person? And now my ex doesn't want to be friends for some reason. I should defiantly get some sympathy for that. Like how immature, people leave people for other people all the time. Sure I was a complete asshole to her but thats what she gets for giving me no sympathy. Well to show her next time she comes over asking to be friends Ill start crying and yell GET THE FUCK OUT, then my friends will have to spend the next day with me and give me sympathy. Like for fuck sake I have my own USED car!!!! Why not a new car? Thats how hard life is for me. I just wish someone would understand that sympathy is a diease that can not be stopped. Please internet, give me some sympathy. It's only 1 of 2 things that makes me happy.

-xoxo

Love the One your With

It is so hard to find someone right. You know, smart, beautiful, independent and intelligent. These days it really seems the four can no longer co-exist. I'm not very popular at school but I still know a lot of people, and unfortunately I only know 1 person in the entire world who through the troubles of life has managed to retain these qualities and blossom into the most wonderful person.
To simply try and describe this girl in words would be a impossible feat as their are no words in the English language that can capture how beautiful and amazing she is. She is simply breath taking. I've know her a while and always thought highly of her and saw how good we would be for each other. The perfect match is the only way I could describe us, just perfect.
She had been away off at college in the most recent year but finally returned for the summer. I simply could not wait to see her. And when I did, it all came back. All my old emotions came back but flowed with a intensity I had never experienced before. I couldn't believe how fast I was falling in love.

Everyday we hung out was simply the best day of my life. Every time we spoke it was our best conversation. Our relationship was growing so strong so fast like a wild fire spreading through a dry field. I simply knew this girl was the one for me.

One night we were down by the creek near the old wind mill by the Laidlaw Estate. It was such a beautiful night. I knew this was the time for me to finally tell her how I felt, to release the flood gate of emotion and let it all out. As we sat there I ran through what I wanted to say in my head. Just as I was sure about what to say, I opened my mouth to speak but she opened hers first. I stopped to listen.

She told me how she was leaving. Leaving for the summer to go far away where I would never see her. And just like that it was over. I had lost my true love forever. This summer was my moment, my time to sweep her off her feet. But now shes gone. Im here and she's there. And she still doesn't know how I feel. What should I do, im not sure. I think I am just meant to be alone forever.

Maybe some of us are.

-xoxo