Clarity

hello old friends. when i left you, i was stuck in a sticky spot, not knowing whether i was gay or straight. I wondered if i should try to pursue my feelings or try and suppress them, but now i feel as if i've made the right decision (well at least the only one i could). So not knowing what I should do I went to the people closest to me for consultation. My friends (fatflamingo and trubblmakr among others..) told me that I should at least try to pursue my curious desires (which focused upon that boy who shall remain anonymous on my football team), but when i hinted I was having these feelings to my mom, she suddenly turned pale, stiffened up and said: "Jeffery, you better pray to the almighty that you did not say what I think you just said. If you ever even think those thoughts again, so help me I will not only send you to a fucking boarding school, you will never see your friends again." it was the coldest and most hurtful conversation I had ever had. My mom, the woman who raised me and whom i've had unmeasurable affection towards had now caused my heart to turn to ice. it felt like hell. it felt worse than hell.

All I know is that i never want to feel that way again. How can I live my life without my mom and dad? without my best friends? my entire family gone, just for some lil fantasy that I might have? it's just not worth it. In short, i've decided that I won't be poking around with those ideas for awhile. I guess i need to find a girl to ease my mother's fears. For once, i'll actually make an effort towards a real relationship instead of those minor hook-ups. So, the hunt beings. I will start scopin around tomorrow, maybe that Sarah chick in my Chemistry class.

well, even though i've just gone through probably the hardest time of my life, i'm left optimistic and im hopeful I can make my parents feel proud....no matter how badly I feel inside..........

Confusing

Hey guys, I've been wanting to address a subject for awhile now. Lately, I have been hesitant to express myself because in a way I didn't want to believe it myself. Well, since as long as I could remember I've "liked" girls. I would get crushes just like all the other boys but I guess I was just never as interested in them as some of my peers. Recently however I've been wondering if I just had an interest in females because society implanted that into my brain when I was young. You know, like its the social norm or some shit? My parents always tried to get me to do manly things because I liked to play with my sister's barbies and occasionally wanted to wear a dress. Anyway, this has all left me pretty confused and I'm not entirely sure as to why I'm revealing this, but I've had too much on my chest recently and I need to unload some steam. I think I am attracted to a teammate. Sure, I have slept around with the cheerleaders. I don't have trouble getting with the ladies but it just never felt right. What it comes down to is, what do you guys think, should I keep questioning my feelings and exploring or is it better to avoid the hassle and the shame and bury these ideas deep down? I really need advice. I don't even know if I like boys, maybe I'm bisexual. I just don't know. Anyway, I know this article has been confusing but its just like my heart right now, so please understand. Thank you Internet Realm, without you I would be dead. <3

-Speed is Pain. Twist the Knife.